Shame in Sensitive Idealists and Activists
“Are You Really Okay with Who You Are?” Shame in Sensitive Idealists and Activists
It is hard for me to admit that I used to be deeply ashamed of being an idealistic, highly sensitive person. I saw it as a sign that something was fundamentally wrong with me. Like so many HSPs, I hated being told that I was “too sensitive” or “too emotional”. A part of me believed that, like everyone told me, I was too idealistic and needed to come back down to earth. Over time, I learned to tell myself to toughen up before anyone else got the chance to criticize me. I berated myself when my sensitivity and idealism inevitably shone through my efforts to hide them.
I discovered Dr. Elaine Aron’s research on sensitivity in my 20s, and I felt seen! Finally, someone was describing me—emotional, empathic, aware of subtleties, prone to overthinking and getting overwhelmed, and deeply passionate about making a difference in the world. I was relieved to know I wasn’t alone. Research finds that 15-20% of the population is highly sensitive, a far higher proportion than I’d imagined.
My journey to letting go of my shame started with this aha-moment. So many idealistic HSPs have similar stories of encountering a book, blog, social media post, or podcast, and finally having language to describe their sense of how they have always been different from the mainstream. It can be validating and empowering to discover how sensitivity exists on a continuum and that there is nothing “wrong” with being highly sensitive.
Building Long-Term Relationships with Our Deep Thinking, Big Hearted Selves
I think of this time after the lightbulb moment as the honeymoon phase: it feels great, but that feeling gradually fades. We come to realize that knowing we are HSPs is not enough to make it easier to live as highly sensitive people. All our internalized beliefs and feelings about our sensitivity and idealism, including shame and discomfort, remain a part of our inner landscape.
When the honeymoon ends, the real work begins to build a relationship with all aspects of ourselves. We start to explore our own blend of traits and figure out how to live with them. Over time, we learn how to use our DOES traits (depth of processing, overstimulation, emotional/empathic, sensitive to subtleties) to our advantage. We realize how negatively we respond to our own high sensitivity and idealism—perhaps to other how those traits show up in other people as well—and begin to change those responses.
Social Support
Most people need more than just exposure to other people’s stories to work through their internalized shame. One of the keys to releasing the sense that there is something wrong with us is by getting social support. When we feel accepted and loved for being exactly who we are, we can learn to accept and love ourselves. I encourage idealists and sensitive people to seek out people who embrace their sensitivity, both in person and through online communities. These relationships have the potential to help us heal our shame.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness is another way of working with shame. These approaches emphasize the precise, non-judgmental awareness of our experiences. It can be challenging to step out of patterns of overthinking and making emotional judgments about a topic. It will take practice to learn how to switch into a mindful orientation to the present moment.
However, we don’t need perfect mindfulness to see the benefits of this approach. The more we can recognize aspects of our sensitivity or idealism in a “just the facts” manner, the more we can let go of our value judgments. For example, we might be aware that we are feeling overwhelmed and stressed in a particular situation. We might tell ourselves: I am a highly sensitive person. I’m having a reaction to my situation. I have these traits of sensitivity, and these are human traits that exist on a continuum, so there is no reason to feel shame. These traits affect me in certain ways. I am responsible for how I act, despite these traits. I have the ability to choose to be different or stay the same.
Mindfulness reminds us that there is nothing wrong with the overwhelm, the emotions, or any other aspect of being highly sensitive. From that awareness, we can stop shaming ourselves for how we are responding. And without that shame weighing us down, we can make an intentional choice of what to do next.
Why Releasing Shame Matters for Sensitive, Idealistic People
As social animals, all humans are wired to feel shame. Shame can knit communities together by defining appropriate social behavior and the consequences for not conforming to that behavior. Shame is effective when it comes to ensuring that individual members do not act in ways that jeopardize the physical survival of the group. However, in the complexity of human society, shame often functions as a blunt instrument when subtlety is needed.
The negative impact of feeling ashamed of any part of our identities is profound. Shame separates us from connecting fully with other people and stops us from forming an authentic, whole sense of self. We will struggle to accept the qualities in others that we cannot accept in ourselves. At times, we may conform or mask in an effort to avoid feeling shame, which may leave us feeling drained, resentful, or, ironically, even more ashamed of ourselves.
For HSPs, the emotional weight of shame adds to the level of stimulation that we are feeling, a constant drain on our emotional well-being. Working through our shame can free up these mental and emotional resources so that we can cope more effectively with the challenges of daily life.
“Are You Really Okay with Being Sensitive and Idealistic?”
At times people ask me if I have really overcome my shame—as one client put it recently, “are you really okay with being sensitive and idealistic? Wouldn’t you rather not be?” I appreciated her question. The truth is, I do accept these parts of myself. I no longer feel ashamed, because I no longer believe that there is something wrong with me. At my core, I believe that I am acceptable just the way I am, sensitivity and idealism and all.
In the spirit of full disclosure, there are certainly times when I wonder if it would be easier to not be highly sensitive. When my mind won’t stop processing or my heart feels shattered by the news of the world, sometimes I do imagine what it would be like if my response were not so keen. I wonder how it would be to think and feel differently.
At this point in my life, however, I no longer wish to be less sensitive or idealistic. For all the pain and struggle that it sometimes causes, being highly sensitive and idealistic has far greater benefits for me. And the fact remains that high sensitivity and the idealism that come with it are innate. I was born this way. It is who I am, and nothing can change that. Accepting it and trying to learn how to live well with the trait takes a lot less energy than fighting to be someone I’m not.
In my client’s question, I sensed her underlying fear: will I ever get to a point where I feel okay about being highly sensitive? Yes. That journey through shame to self-acceptance is possible and so rewarding. And I couldn’t continually work with idealistic HSPs if I didn’t see that kind of change happening, where people work through their shame, bring their highly sensitive selves into their relationships and the causes they care about, and find creative, holistic, mindful ways to thrive.
My advice? Honor your shame for how it has tried to protect you from the harshness of the world, but take the steps to let it go. The next phase of your journey after shame is the best yet. If you’d like support, please contact me.
